"Just then, Prince Andrei rocked up to Anna's joint. He was the pregnant sheila's hubby. Like his missus, he was pretty good looking himself."
Those lines are straight from a new translation of Leo Tolstoy's epic novel War & Peace, set in the world of Russian high society in the early 19th century.
Except this is a "bogan" version translated by Ander Louis, the pen name of a Melbourne IT worker who moonlights as a writer.
He's poured a metaphorical can of Australian beer over the novel by converting Tolstoy's prose into a lingo that wouldn't sound out of place in the popular Aussie sitcom Kath & Kim.
"It's how you'd tell it down the pub," Louis, whose real name is Andrew Tesoriero, told the BBC.
The 39-year-old started the project in 2018 as a joke, turning Russian princesses into "sheilas" and princes into "drongos", but is now on the cusp of signing a book deal.
"The number one reason I started doing it was to make me laugh, and I thought if it's making me laugh, maybe other people will too so let's put it out into the world."
Bogan, a term which first emerged in Australia in the 1980s, initially meant an "unsophisticated and uncultured person" with negative connotations, but not for Louis.
"I've never really thought of it as an insult, more a term of endearment," he says.
And his version of the Russian literary masterpiece - which starts with the phrase "bloody hell" - is about being flippant and irreverent.
"It's just a good exclamation of surprise," Louis jokes.
Elsewhere, a noble is a fair dinkum, while the death of an important character is announced by "he's cactus".
"It changes the tone quite significantly," Louis laughs.
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